Wintermaedchen

[viivi]

Translation by Susanne Schwarz

She stood in the light living-room looking out the window and lost in thoughts. Saw the green lawn. Saw everything and nothing, though. Her thoughts turned to happenings on passed days. Days when the sun had been shining bright, when the night hadn't been cold and distanced. When the night had had an end after all. A time when she had been happy. It seemed so far away.
The pictures appeared in front of her eyes again. A tear rolled down her cheek, even after that long time. She still remembered that day of damage in january. It had been cold and uncomfortable, raining breaklessly.
Her memories were clear, she saw everything as though it had been yesterday. How the two policemen had rung the door bell. The first one had been starring at the clock unpatiently. He had obviously wanted to go home. The other had told them calmly what had been happening. There had been something in his eyes. Had he maybe felt sorry for them? She couldn't tell, was too shocked.
Now she saw her mother collapse again, saw how her tears got mixed with the rain on the floor. Then it got black.
She hadn't cried, she had been strong for her mother. Years later she had begun to cry. It had broken out of her. All the pain, the anger and the hate. She had hated her brother for being away from her; she had hated her mother because she couldn't help her. She had hated them even though she had known it wasn't their fault. She hadn't been able to handle it differently. Her brother's death had been too much to stand although she hadn't ever shown that. She had had to be strong, strong for her mother. Because her mother had taken it quite badly: First her husband and then her son, her eldest son. She hadn't ever got over it, she had left her daughter alone with everything. Alone with the misery, with the lack of understanding and with life. She had left alone her daughter, who had looked after everything, that had had to be done like looking after the little brother. He hadn't understood of course. To him somebody had been missing, too, but he had been too young to understand.
And now she was standing here. Had found her peace. Had forgiven her mother. Her elder brother was in her heart wherever she went – and wherever he was now.
A small, blond boy appeard at the lawn in front of the window and smiled at her. „Mummy, are you ready? Daddy's waiting“. „Yes, honey, let's go“. Laughing the boy ran to the car.
She looked out the window for a last time, then she went away. She knew she went away for ever, but she wouldn't ever forget anything.